Fucking the Movies

The sinister Gru (Carell) is plotting to steal the moon to prove that he has what it takes to be the worlds greatest villain.  In order to accomplish this he must steal a shrink ray from his rival Vector (Segel) to shrink the moon for easier taking.  He ends up adopting three little girls who will sell Vector cookies while Gru slips in to steal the ray gun.  One problem, he ends up caring about the pawns girls.  Will Gru make it to the dance recital or will he steal the moon?

They should have called this film Terrible Movie.  Bad story, bad character design, lazy voice acting,  bad music, not funny or clever.  The minions were obviously created to eat up some time, due to lack of plot, but I found myself more interested in what was going on with them than the main characters.  Go ahead and skip this stinker.

Phantasm is the story of two brothers Jodi and Mike who have recently lost their parents and have returned again to Morningside Cemetery to buy one of Jodi’s close friends, Tommy.  After the funeral Mike notices that the mortician known only as “The Tall Man” picks up Tommy’s casket by himself and puts it back in the hearse.

Mike goes to his brother with his suspicion that there is something strange going on at the cemetery but Jodi chalks it up to imagination.  Mike goes back to the cemetery to find out what’s going on but is chased around by a security guard, zombie dwarf minions, a flying silver ball with blades on it and The Tall Man himself.

Mike manages to prove to his brother and his friend Reggie that there is something strange afoot and they team up to get to the bottom of the mysterious deaths and put a stop to The Tall Man, but will they get away with their lives intact?

I’d been wanting to watch this film for a while, I had never heard anything about it ever but you always see posters of it and the like.  Going into it I didn’t know what to expect but afterward I wanted more.  Angus Scrimm did a great job playing The Tall Man, in fact the entire cast was good.  I don’t really see this as a typical late 70’s horror film, it leaves a lot of things unanswered but in a good way, not a lazy way.  I’m looking forward to watching the sequels

Perfect Blue focuses on Mima Kirigoe, a relatively unknown Japanese pop-idol in a group called CHAM!. Soon after the start of the film she lets her fans know that she is leaving the group to peruse an acting career.

When she returns home she finds a cryptic note about a link to her room.  After some digging she finds that the note refers to a website about her with a blog that is unusually factual.

She tries to brush it off and focus on acting but it’s not easy to go from pop-idol to actress and be taken seriously so she decides to challenge herself and do whatever it takes to make it, including doing a rape scene for a television drama and a Playboy-esque photo spread.

Things start to get a little weird when people who are trying to change her start showing up dead, perhaps the person that’s been stalking her is behind the murders, or maybe someone else is pulling the strings…

This film is a total mind fuck.  Don’t try to figure the end out because you’ll be wrong.  Truly another in the long list of masterpieces by director Satoshi Kon (r.i.p.).

Mike Meyers stars as love guru Pitka in this silly little movie about a hockey player who’s career falls apart when his marriage does.

The plot line is simple. Get said hockey player, Roanoke (Romany Malco), back with his wife (Meagan Good). From there the hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, win the Stanley Cup and guru Pitka gets to appear on Oprah and then become the number one love guru ever.

Sounds like a simple task, yes, but in the end proves much harder. In the end, not only does Roanoke find his confidence, but Pitka also learns a valuable lesson as well.

This was a film recommended to me by Netflix, because I like hockey. So, it was with much skepticism I started to watch it. To my surprise I actually laughed and enjoyed myself. Mike Meyers is adorable as the guru. I really liked him in the film. Jessica Alba co-stars as the owner of Maple Leafs and is a total bore. Beautiful (whew, is she beautiful!), but a total bore. Justin Timberlake is ridiculous as the L.A. King’s French-Canadian goaltender “Le Coq” and to put it bluntly, I hated him. There are amazing cameos in the movie. Those cameos alone are worth a watch. Stephen Colbert is worth the watch, but then again … I just really love that man.

All in all I have to say it’s worth a viewing, but try and get your hands on it for free.

The Brothers Bloom is a complicated, but lovely tale of two brothers: Stephen and Bloom. As children they moved from foster home to foster home, each time getting kicked out for doing terrible things, all related to the elaborate schemes older brother Stephen would concoct to swindle and con the townsfolk. 

25 years later the brothers are still at it, but younger brother, Bloom, wants out. Having come to the realization his life has been a lie. One big story after another written and directed by Stephen, Bloom strikes out on his to find an honest life. A life unwritten and real.

Unfortunately, three months later, Stephen finds Bloom and manages to talk him into one last con. This one involving the beautiful, but odd heiress shut-in, Penelope.

A winding love story unfolds between Penelope and Bloom while a heart melting one builds in strength between Stephen and Bloom. All caught up in a caper that will keep you guessing, gasping and laughing for sure!

Brothers Bloom is one of those rare films that genuinely keeps you entertained with quality screenwriting, filmmaking and acting. 

Starring Adrien Brody as Bloom, Mark Ruffalo as Stephen and Rachel Weisz as Penelope.

The OH! In Ohio is about a marriage falling apart. About a man, Jack (Paul Rudd), struggling with the reality that he can’t get his wife, Priscilla (Parker Posey), off and how she discovers her happiness one orgasm at a time.

Being a strong advocate for happiness, masturbation and the female orgasm, I had really high hopes that OH in OH would knock my socks off.

It didn’t.

In the movie, Jack falls for/is seduced by one of his biology students, Kristen (Mischa Barton) and in doing so, decides to leave his “frigid” wife, Priscilla. Meanwhile, Priscilla has discovered her vagina and the vibrator and his happily dealing with this sudden destruction to her marriage.

The story line between Jack and Kristen is as flat as the two characters are … and Barton’s ass. Completely uninspired, uninteresting, undeveloped. The real story lies between Priscilla and the local pool salesman, Wayne (Danny Devito), who won’t stop pestering her about letting him install a pool in her backyard.

While mostly boring, Posey plays the innocent and darling Priscilla well and the surprising development with Wayne is so sweet and refreshing, I have to say this film is worth A viewing. Just the one time, though. And be prepared to be patient. The payoff is at the end.